Shock, Then Shattered Grief
by Manda's Girl aka Charlie
Summary: The bedroom smells like coffee and sex...Elizabeth's daughter tries to come to terms with loss. OK, not the best summary, I know, but give it a shot! You'll like it! COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**Title:**  
**Disclaimer:** They don't belong to me!  
I'd really love some feedback, particulary on whether or not you think the way I've structured this (in terms of use of past/present tenseand the perspective I've written it from especially). Please?

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**Chapter One**

The bed smells like coffee and sex. If I had the energy I'd roll my eyes at the incongruity of it all. Knowing that she'd had sex in this bed just a few hours ago, the sheets still mussed and smelling of sweat...I hadn't realised – or just hadn't wanted to think about it. It was kinda like walking in on your parents. She and John – and it must have been John, who else? – I knew they cared for each other deeply, but they'd never let on that there was anything more than friendship there. And me thinking I knew them so well.

_The radio beside my bed crackles into life, waking me with a jolt._

"_Unauthorised gate activation!"_

_With a groan I drag myself out of bed and hurriedly throw on some clothes. Strictly speaking I don't have to - actually, I'm not really supposed to – but I know that if I stay in bed I'll just lie awake until curiosity gets the better of me. Jogging out the door of my room I glance down at my watch, its glowing numbers read 5:02 – eugh, Liz'd be thrilled. Looking up I just catch a glimpse of John and Elizabeth turning the corner at the end of the long hall, both running at full tilt._

I turn my head into her pillow, breathing deep to catch the lingering scent of her flowery shampoo. I had always loved her hair, with the sweet little chestnut curls I loved to tug. She hated it, said it drove her mad – the curls, and the tugging. The smell of her hair brings a rush of memories; memories of burying my face in it, of breathing her scent in deep and feeling so happy and safe, so safe in the curve of her arms.

A fierce stab of pain shoots through me and I leap off the bed as though it has suddenly caught on fire. Shivering, I turn away and begin to pace the floor. The familiar rooms seem somehow eerie in the early dawn light. She'd just be getting up now. I can almost see it – her, groaning at the 'ungodly' hour as I laughingly drag her out of bed – she'd never been a morning person. Then heading to the commissary to smile at Carson's customary morning brightness and Rodney's four cups of coffee. Mornings she hated, breakfast she loved. She said it was the only time she got to see the majority of her people all in the one place, just relaxing before starting the day (or in some sleepy cases, finishing it). I think she just loves getting her daily fix of Milo, though she'd never admit to it.

_Th__e control room is a mass of activity, John shouting orders to the SF's pouring in from all directions. Elizabeth's controlled voice cuts through the confusion, demanding to know what's going on and "why the hell isn't the shield up!"__  
"There's some sort of interference coming through the 'gate, we've lost control of all systems!"  
Locking eyes with McKay, I nod and bend to work on the panel underneath his console.  
"I'm trying to bypass the main systems," I shout, not bothering to look up to see if I've been heard. Around me the noise rises to a fever pitch, then suddenly stops…the silence grows as McKay and I work frantically and the others wait for something, anything to happen._


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

A wave of fatigue washes over me and I collapse into her favourite chair. As I sit there watching the ocean turn to molten gold, I realise that it's going to be a beautiful day. The sunlight falls warm upon my skin, a gentle lover's kiss. Stroking the rough woven fabric I wonder…how many hours have we sat here together?

I remember the moment we first saw each other. She had come with a team to trade medicines of gate addresses that they believed may lead to ZPM's. They'd caused a stir as they passed through the marketplace, people wondering at their strange weapons and dress. I'd been trying to push through the crowd to see what all the fuss was about. She'd been looking around at the crowd…and like magic her eyes had found mine and we'd shared a smile. 'Across a crowded room' she'd later laugh. I thought that would be the end of it, but the memory of her smile had stirred a fierce longing in me. It had been so warm, so open and beautiful. I remember how I'd stopped there in the middle of the crowd, eyes closed tight as I tried to burn that smile into my memory – a moment of beauty to carry me through my hopeless existence. But for a slave girl to be late for her master is a serious offence in my world, and I would pay dearly for that moment.

Three hours later I found myself tied to a pole in the market square steeling myself for the first lash of the whip. The next thing I knew there was shouting, a flurry of guns and men I'd only glimpsed before. Suddenly she was there, shielding me from the crowd and untying my bonds. Her voice was soft and low, her hands gentler than any I'd ever known…I trusted her instinctively, and it terrified me. Smiling at me, she turned and began to speak in a loud, angry voice.

I never heard what she said – I'd already run. But later that night I followed them through the Stargate. I'd thought to hide on the other side, but I was caught the moment I stepped though, A man – I would later learn his name was John – grabbed me.

"Well, what do we have here?" he'd asked with a chuckle. I bit him, hard – I'd paid for that later when he threw me off the pier in revenge! – and tried to run. I ran straight into Dr Weir. She just looked at me, raised one eyebrow and smiled as she said "Hey, don't I know you?"

I first got to know her as Dr Weir, then to trust her as Elizabeth. Soon I came to love her as my 'Mama Lizzie', a teasing nickname I coined when she nagged at me to clean my room or do my lessons, and which eventually came to really mean something. I was just fifteen years old when I first met the strangers from Atlantis, but now at eighteen I call them family. I know as much about the city's workings and its people as anyone, even understanding as much of the Ancients systems as Rodney. And always hours spent in this chair, curled with books or coffee. Sometimes we'd sit in silence, sometimes we'd be up talking far into the night, falling asleep mid-conversation on more than one occasion. Teyla would join us for serious talks or 'girly nights'. Here I'd wiped away tears as Dr Weir fell apart and became simply Elizabeth, torn apart by hard choices and hard days, here I'd poured out my hopes and fears, knowing they would be heard and understood. Atlantis gave me a home and a family…and after a while I lost my fear of losing them.

_My hands are sweating as I fumble with the panel. "Come on, come on" I mutter in frustration. The silence is grating on my nerves and making me feel clumsy and slow…suddenly it shatters and my ears are deafened as a rain of bullets come through the event horizon, creating havoc in the gateroom. Lights explode around me, people are yelling, someone screams…I don't know how long it goes on – hours? Minutes? After what seems like an eternity I hear Rodney yell out, 'That's it!"_

_I slump backwards in relief as the noise of battle fades, replaced by the unmistakeable 'swoosh' of the gate shutting down, followed by silence. I look up at Rodney, triumphant words dying on my lips as I see his face. He's just standing there, a pale ghost staring at something on the floor beyond the console blocking my view, his face a waxen mask of horror. Suddenly the silence seems deafening._

_I rise to my feet, ignoring the hands trying to hold me back and the strangled cry of protest from somewhere behind me. She's lying there on the floor, limbs awkwardly splayed. The absurd thought "why is she sleeping" crosses my mind has barely crossed my mind when I see the blood. So much blood. The bullets have gone right through her. She must've been standing at the balcony overlooking the gateroom. Why would she be so stupid? I'm frozen…there are hands. Voices..John running up the steps…Oh God, John…was he crying? Where was Beckett, where was the med team…don't they know she needs them? Don't they know the heart of Atlantis is lying on the floor, bleeding? Rodney's here, his hand on my shoulder, his heart in his eyes. And I…I'm frozen. One halting step forward, a few more...why do my legs feel so strange? I fall heavily to the floor, reaching out to touch one chestnut curl._

Closing my eyes, images flash in the dark…her body, John's face, Carson as his lips move in silent futile prayer. My feet beyond my control, leading me here. I can't believe it.

"She's dead."

I say it aloud to the rising sun.

"She's dead."

Louder.

"She's dead."

Whispering. Still I feel nothing.

"She's dead. Elizabeth is dead. She's dead, she's gone, she's dead. My Mama Lizzie is dead." Teyla finds me like this, hours later. As we leave together I turn and lock the doors, keeping it safe for Elizabeth, determined that no one will go in there and touch her things. I also short circuit the doors that lead to 'her' balcony outside the control room. I feel them all staring at me as I work, but I can't find it in me to care, or even to return their gaze. Nothing matters now, and the sympathy in their eyes is more than I could stand.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

The day of her memorial dawns bright and clear. Outside the city the ocean glimmers a serene blue. It feels wrong. It should be dark, and stormy. The waves should be rising angrily to batter at the city walls, the angry screaming of the wind an echo for the silent scream of my soul. The last three days have been a blur. Food chokes me, so I've barely eaten. Sleep brings nightmares, dark images of blood and a broken body that burn my eyes and make me wake cold and screaming. I've tried to stay awake as much as possible, drinking inhuman amounts of coffee, pilfering stimulants from the infirmary and spending hours working in the labs trying to figure out why we lost control of our systems and how to stop it happening again. The mysterious enemy dialled in twice more after that first, but we managed to get the shield up each time before anyone got hurt. What little sleep I've had has come slumped over my computer. The city and her people tread silently around me, lost in their grief and afraid of my own apparent lack. I've tried to comfort them, tell them it wasn't anyone's fault, that there was nothing anyone could do. Stereotyped phrases offer cold comfort, but it's all I have to offer.

We're holding the memorial out on the eastern pier. It's the only place big enough to hold the entire expedition team at once, as well as most of the Athosians. Jinto approaches me to offer his sympathy. We've always been close, yet I hear myself thanking him with the same cold detachment that has met all the others.

There are so many people here to honour her…even representatives from the Genii and other worlds that have benefited from her diplomatic touch. In an odd way, I'm proud. It's like they all know how important she was, like they all know that we're going to suffer without her. Inside the gateroom a pyramid of golden stars adorns one of the walls. Our 'wall of fallen heroes.' Her star now sits on the very top.

John is speaking, his voice thick with grief and the tears he's trying to fight back.

"Dr Weir had a gift," he says, "for seeing the best in people. She could look into your soul and make you want to be a better person, if only so that you could make her proud." He continues, but my attention now turns to Rodney, standing by the side of the podium looking lost. He always seems so childish when he grieves. Like a little boy who doesn't quite understand what's happening.

Halling and Teyla are standing now, lighting a candle and speaking an ancient prayer. I see Radek standing in the crowd, tears streaming unchecked down his face. He had always been so kind, so considerate of her. I loved him for that. Carson is nearby, his face in his hands, his guilt on his sleeve. I stand looking out at the ocean, an empty void.

Suddenly I realise that the speeches have stopped. They're moving towards the coffin – Oh Lord, the coffin – John and Rodney, Ford, Ronan, Carson and Jinto…they're lifting it up…they're turning, moving slowly towards the edge of the pier. Oh please, don't they realise, don't they know? My mother is in there – what are they doing, she's in there! I open my lips to cry out, but no sound emerges. I'm suffocating, I can't stay here. I back away, my eyes still fixed on the awful procession. I turn and push my way through the crowd, barely noticed by those too lost in the moment. As soon as I'm clear I break into a run, fleeing as though a Wraith ship is racing behind me. Deeper and deeper into the city, running until the walls are no longer familiar. My breath is ragged now, each step a painful nightmare, but I can't stop. Minutes pass, hours, days? An eternity of running to escape the pain that follows behind me like a murderous black bird. Finally my feet will no longer hold me and I fall, hitting the floor with a sharp cry. Around me glass walls glitter, showing a girl brought to her knees; her chest is heaving, her long brown hair is drenched in sweat…but her face remains blank. And I understand. I know. I believe.

My mother is dead.

A scream rips through the air, the harsh guttural sound torn from my raw throat. Silence, and I scream again, sudden fury lifting me to my feet and driving my clenched fist through the mocking reflection. Again and again until there are no walls left, only shattered glass mixed with blood on the floor. I sink to the floor, bizarrely fascinated by the crimson rivers coursing down my arms and through my fingertips. Blood, so much blood. _Her broken body in a pool of blood._ The tears begin.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

I'm torn from a comforting darkness by the beep of a machine. Looking around I see I'm in the infirmary. Why? John, Teyla and Rodney are all fast asleep on various positions around my bed…where's Elizabeth though? She always stays with me when I'm sick. I'm confused by the bandages on my arms and feet. After a moment though, the memories come rushing back, and with them the pain. How did I get here? Carson comes and tells me that John found me and carried me here. He doesn't ask me about my injuries, and he moves to wake the others I realise he already knows. John would have figured it out and told him…plus I'm pretty sure he would've had to fish some glass out of my arm. The room has emptied now, but for John, who stands by the table beside my bed. On it is a single shard of glass, it's edges stained with a strange brown crust – my blood, I realise with a sick start. I look at him questioningly.

"A reminder." He says. As if the angry white scars I'm sure to have wont be enough.

Days pass, and the city slowly resumes it's old habits. We don't have a new leader yet, but no one really minds. John remains in charge of all military personnel, while I've taken over paperwork for the moment. Days turn into weeks, but still no replacement from Earth. People begin to come to me with problems, requests, reports and assignments. There's still been no move to send any teams off-world.

It's been a month and John's announced his intention to resume off-world travel. Another week and his team is standing before the 'Gate ready to go. They'll be travelling to a trading world, hopefully to find information about who attacked us and why. Now that I think of it, it's amazing, and perhaps strange as well, that John and Ronan didn't go rushing off at once to find the culprits and beat them to a messy pulp. Still, I'm glad they didn't. Even now the thought of sending them through the 'Gate fills me with fear. What if they don't come back? For the first time I doubt their ability to come home to me. Still, they have to go, and I understand.

Now I know what 'Lizabeth must've felt like. But she had been the strong one, not me. I watch from the control room balcony as they dial up. I'm acutely aware that I'm standing in the exact same spot that she was when she died…but instead of sickening me, like it usually does, today it makes me feel somehow closer to her. I know I wont be able to move from this spot until they come back. I'll watch and wait just as she did. Still…something feels…off, somehow. Then it hits me.

"Wait!" I yell out, racing down the steps towards them. "Wait, I…" Words fail me, and I can see John getting ready to argue. He thinks I'm going to try one last time to talk him out of it. But it's okay. I realised why I couldn't let him go yet. Stepping forward I give each member of his team a quick hug, taking a moment to look into each set of eyes. Reaching up to clutch the twisted heart I now wear, I swallow hard and smile at them, resigned. So long as they don't leave without…

"Be safe."


End file.
